Riverwood Presbyterian Church

Education

D-Dub Tattoos and Videos

by Tim Lien

When historians discuss “the mark stamped on the American evangelical landscape,” by pastor-theologian-rabble-rouser Douglas Wilson, they will inevitably stumble across the current, trending oddity of his most ardent fans: Douglas Wilson tattoos. Apparently, “D-Dub” tattoos are cropping up in Pullman and Orlando— and all points in between.

Robert Cahill, a BestBuy sales associate in Toledo, OH (“and professional blogger”), explains: “I mean, sure, they must know I dig his stuff because I’m on Credenda’s mailing list. But anybody can get Credenda—even Ligon Duncan has it discreetly sent to a P.O. box. I wanted something to prove it. You know, let everybody know I’m getting the sub-text, too. I think I’m the only one who gets his jokes around here.”

But not all are so enthusiastic.

Priscilla Pockwell, president of the Pockwell Family Institute and mother of one, suggests that this new trend only reiterates the fact that Mr. Wilson’s message is subversive, destructive, and possibly even interesting. “Leviticus 19. There. Quote me. Quote Leviticus.”

Although three burly guards denied us access to the Wilson compound, Nancy Wilson’s bullet-proofed Suburban breezed by the front gate, paused momentarily, and then the window lowered half-way. A shout came from within: “Mine says D-Dubby!” and then we were left amidst vapors of high-octane exhaust.

Faced with a new litmus test for D-Dub support, followers have begun to question their own commitment that they had assumed was complete and wholesome. To get the tattoo or not get the tattoo?

Sensing the impending crisis, Canon Press offers an alternative: CanonWired. Here in bite-sized videos, followers can inject D-Dub directly into their veins—with no headache or Panama-City-license-plate as a souvenir. Check it out. Seriously, check out the CanonWired.

[Author’s note: the preceding is a parody. Therefore, consistent with the genre, all events and names are complete fabrications. The CanonWired part is real— and very good, for that matter. I hope this clears things up.]

Humor

Measuring Your Drink’s Manliness

by Clay Staggs

The site askmen.com has developed a handy graph to help you understand your drink of choice’s manliness (or lack thereof). The vertical axis measures the “hair-on-your-chest” factor, while the horizontal axis show the level of sophistication. Here goes:

I probably shouldn’t confess this, but I had to google who Brody Jenner even was. Also, I’m not so sure Keith Richards is the height of “hair-on-your-chest”, either.

Nonetheless, this begs a couple of questions about who made this up.

1. Am I to believe that peach scnapps is more likely to put hair on your chest than Guinness? Absurd. All peach schnapps is good for is opening the vault.
2. Grappa is Cary Grant-level sophisticated? Really?
3. Tequila is more sophisticated than Bourbon? No way.

For more (NSFW) comments, check out the site.

Humor

New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

by Clay Staggs

From the Onion, no less.

Imagine that: teaching depravity through satire!

Best line:

“We’ve tried behavior modification therapies, but children actually learn from our techniques and become even more adept at manipulating others while concealing their shameless misanthropy,” Singh said. “Sadly, experience has taught us there is little hope for rehabilitation.”

“Just look at the way most adults act,” Singh added.

Humor

A Sign! A Sign!

by Peggy Drinkard

As I was preparing some deviled eggs, I noticed this prominent peace symbol on one of the eggs I was shelling. Most significantly, I was making these eggs for our CHURCH picnic!!!!!!!!! I think it must be a sign!

Humor

A Good Loser

by Tim Lien

Seth McBee (of Contend Earnestly fame) approached me with this unholy proposition. Lose the March Madness bracket, I would pose with a sign stating “Credos are More Reformed than I am.”

(Definition: “Credos” are those new-babes in Christ who still disobey the God-given command to apply the sign of the covenant to our babies thru the sacrament of baptism. They love to mention “the age of accountability” as mentioned by the heretic Garfunkeles in his acid-laced vision transcribed in the 3 Volumes of Calastophaton)

If I were to win, he would pose for a photo holding a sign stating: “I am Credo. I might as well be Arminian.” UConn managed to dissapoint me, and I lost. Being nothing if not a gentlemen, I am now settling up with the house:

Humor

And Now For Something Completely Different…

by Clay Staggs

I never thought I’d post anything from the Ellen DeGeneres show on this blog, but Gladys from Austin is pretty funny. Watch the whole thing…

Humor

All I Need Is A Miracle

by Tim Lien

Post-Christmas-Partum had me in quite a funk. I needed something. Something to bring me out of my tinsel-laced stupor. I needed a miracle.

I was hoping for a biblical character, but all I got was a Madeline impersonator from Peabody, North Dakota. Maybe next year…or tomorrow morning at breakfast.

Humor

A Crack in the Dam

by Clay Staggs

One of the things that’s struck me about this election cycle has been the way no one will make jokes about Obama. This morning, that’s changed. Not anyone here though, where political correctness reigns supreme. Gerard Baker of the Times (UK) strikes first. The whole piece is here. I’ll paste in the first two paragraphs, but read the whole thing. Funny stuff…

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

HT: Drudge.

Humor

My Vote for President

by Jimmy Hopper

I guess I can quit worrying about who to vote for for president. Chuck Norris called the house today and said to vote for Mike Huckabee and now I’m too afraid to consider anyone else.

Humor

The USRSF in Iraq

by Lowell Urban

The Pentagon announced today the deployment of a previously unknown elite fighting unit called the

US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The official motto of this elite new unit is: “If it swims, walks, runs or flies…it dies.”

Sources inside the Pentagon indicated off the record that they expected that the “mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.”

An angry Governor’s Office in Baton Rouge issued the following statement: “We don’t know why they left out Louisiana. We would bring our own 4-wheelers and squirrel guns. Just give us plenty of ammo, that free pass hunting license, air transport and our boys are there! This is obviously another Bush Administration mismanagement of Hurricane Katrina.”

The Pentagon responded: “Well, we heard people talking in French, and just assumed….”

Initial reports from Iraq were positive: “Wait ‘til the Taxidermy Man see what I brung him!!!!”

Humor

On Being Presbyterian

by Blake Johnson

What does it mean to be Presbyterian?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmiTlaZd5Yg

H/T Mark Horne

Humor

Just Say No

by Clay Staggs

Before getting started, let me just say that I am not making this up.

Colorado is actually considering making the song “Rocky Mountain High” its official state song.

As if that weren’t bad enough, State Sen Bob Hagedorn insists in the New York Times that the song has nothing to do with drug use.

Actual lyric from the song:

I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky. Friend around the camp fire and everybody’s high….

Hmmm…..

Politics

Doofus du Jour

by Clay Staggs

I’ve been paying attention to politics pretty much all of my adult life. I cannot remember a presidential campaign season starting so early or having as many doofus candidates as this one. But hey, lots of blogging material, right?

The doofus du jour is John Edwards. Let me supply some background here for readers with better things to do that read about this junk on a daily basis. (I know, it’s a sickness - I should seek treatment.)

Edwards is probably best known politically for being John Kerry’s running mate in 2004. On the stump, he argues that there are “two Americas” - one inhabited by the rich, with all sorts of comforts and luxuries, and the other inhabited by the poor, who endure something like the lives led by the Joads in the Grapes of Wrath to hear Edwards tell it. You can read his campaign’s position on ending poverty ( - really!) here.

He’s got something of a prima donna reputation, though. Rush Limbaugh mockingly refers to him as the Breck girl. (College students and younger: google that, you’ll understand). It’s somewhat deserved, I think. Back in the 2004 campaign, a video surfaced on YouTube of Edwards fixing his hair before some event . It seemed to last an hour. You can see it, if you must, here.

John Edwards is a very wealthy man. He’s a plaintiff’s lawyer, and has made lots of money practicing law. Not knocking it, just pointing out a fact. By reputation, he was quite a good trial lawyer. Recently, he sunk some of his fortune into a new home. It’s 28,000+ square feet. It will be the most highly appraised piece of residential property in the county, according to local officials. You can read about the house (and see pictures of it) here. I suppose we know which of the two Americas he lives in.

Now, this might be bad enough, but to prove to you that I’m not calling Mr. Edwards a doof without just cause, consider his recent comments about how Jesus would view the whole “two Americas” that we have. Here’s an excerpt of his interview with BeliefNet:

What parts of American life do you think would most outrage Jesus?

Our selfishness. Our resort to war when it’s not necessary. I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs. I think he would be appalled, actually.

You can read more here.

OK, so with all that background, rather than having me type in (more) sarcastic comments, I’m going to let cartoonist Sam Ryskind finish up.

Humor

He Owns the Cattle on a Thousand Hills…But That Doesn’t Mean It’s All Yours

by Tim Lien

Recently, a man was arrested for trying to cash a $50,000 dollar check and a $100,000 check signed by God. You can read about it here. Innocent until proven guilty, I say.

Humor

Reformation Polka

by Clay Staggs

Go here, click the link, and enjoy a good laugh.

Hat Tip to Herb Saunders.

Miscellaneous

On the Lighter Side

by Lowell Urban

Wow, my head hurts. After reading the posts written before me I am not sure I have much to contribute to the wisdom of the ages or these pages. I am a simple man and I do not often have motivation or energy to ponder theology, literature, politics, or Christian chaff. I do know that if you feed your Golden Retriever puppy too much he will vomit on to your newly cleaned carpet. (Perhaps I should borrow a “Christian” t-shirt to help me clean it up!) Still, I do believe it important to dialog about such things. Even so, my posts shall prove to be of a more personal nature.

Last night I was putting my youngest daughter to bed, and we were playing her favorite game. In this game, I walk into the room and pretend I do not see her hiding under the covers like she has done for countless nights before. I sit on her bed and bemoan the prospect of waiting for her to return so that I may kiss her goodnight. She lies perfectly still until I comment about the lump in her bed, and then I start to tickle her mercilessly. Eventually she manages to beg me to stop. By that time the damage is done. The day has ended with love and laughter. She always breathes the sweetest sigh when it’s all over.

My question is this. When is the last time you were tickled? When is the last time you tickled someone else? I believe laughter to be one of the greatest gifts God has given to us. So, why is it as adults we tend to lose our “tickleability?”

Now, I know about personal space and sexual harassment, and I realize there is a time for everything. For instance, if the music minister was feeling kind of impish and decided to give the Pastor’s ribs a poke during the Pastoral prayer, well…probably not a good idea. But there are other people and more appropriate places. What about your good friends? What about your parents? What about your spouse? Couldn’t you tickle them? I could be wrong, but I think a good tickle might just make their day.

Perhaps you are afraid of the verbal or physical response of the would be “ticklee.” I understand. On more than one occasion my oldest son has retaliated to my tickling with a very painful blow to my arm. So, if you can’t tickle anyone else or you are too afraid to try, I hereby grant to you personal permission to tickle my daughter Hannah. You’ll love it when she sighs!

Humor

Just for a Lark

by Tim Lien

Although not for the literal or the super-sensitive. LarkNews has a great monthly “newsletter” that exposes the terrible aspects of American Evangelical Christianity. I guess that’s why I love satire so much— in being so close to reality, the ludicrous and ridiculous come into stark relief. I have heard this from many pulpits, however: “Sarcasm has no place in the Christian’s world.” I had actually bought that line, until I attended Covenant Seminary. Much of the prophet’s writing in the OT is filled with sarcasm and irony. It must be used with sensitivity and circumspection— much like anything else….but it’s a great tool nonetheless.