Riverwood Presbyterian Church

Humor

My Vote for President

by Jimmy Hopper

I guess I can quit worrying about who to vote for for president. Chuck Norris called the house today and said to vote for Mike Huckabee and now I’m too afraid to consider anyone else.

Humor

The USRSF in Iraq

by Lowell Urban

The Pentagon announced today the deployment of a previously unknown elite fighting unit called the

US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The official motto of this elite new unit is: “If it swims, walks, runs or flies…it dies.”

Sources inside the Pentagon indicated off the record that they expected that the “mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.”

An angry Governor’s Office in Baton Rouge issued the following statement: “We don’t know why they left out Louisiana. We would bring our own 4-wheelers and squirrel guns. Just give us plenty of ammo, that free pass hunting license, air transport and our boys are there! This is obviously another Bush Administration mismanagement of Hurricane Katrina.”

The Pentagon responded: “Well, we heard people talking in French, and just assumed….”

Initial reports from Iraq were positive: “Wait ‘til the Taxidermy Man see what I brung him!!!!”

Humor

On Being Presbyterian

by Blake Johnson

What does it mean to be Presbyterian?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmiTlaZd5Yg

H/T Mark Horne

Humor

Just Say No

by Clay Staggs

Before getting started, let me just say that I am not making this up.

Colorado is actually considering making the song “Rocky Mountain High” its official state song.

As if that weren’t bad enough, State Sen Bob Hagedorn insists in the New York Times that the song has nothing to do with drug use.

Actual lyric from the song:

I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky. Friend around the camp fire and everybody’s high….

Hmmm…..

Politics

Doofus du Jour

by Clay Staggs

I’ve been paying attention to politics pretty much all of my adult life. I cannot remember a presidential campaign season starting so early or having as many doofus candidates as this one. But hey, lots of blogging material, right?

The doofus du jour is John Edwards. Let me supply some background here for readers with better things to do that read about this junk on a daily basis. (I know, it’s a sickness - I should seek treatment.)

Edwards is probably best known politically for being John Kerry’s running mate in 2004. On the stump, he argues that there are “two Americas” - one inhabited by the rich, with all sorts of comforts and luxuries, and the other inhabited by the poor, who endure something like the lives led by the Joads in the Grapes of Wrath to hear Edwards tell it. You can read his campaign’s position on ending poverty ( - really!) here.

He’s got something of a prima donna reputation, though. Rush Limbaugh mockingly refers to him as the Breck girl. (College students and younger: google that, you’ll understand). It’s somewhat deserved, I think. Back in the 2004 campaign, a video surfaced on YouTube of Edwards fixing his hair before some event . It seemed to last an hour. You can see it, if you must, here.

John Edwards is a very wealthy man. He’s a plaintiff’s lawyer, and has made lots of money practicing law. Not knocking it, just pointing out a fact. By reputation, he was quite a good trial lawyer. Recently, he sunk some of his fortune into a new home. It’s 28,000+ square feet. It will be the most highly appraised piece of residential property in the county, according to local officials. You can read about the house (and see pictures of it) here. I suppose we know which of the two Americas he lives in.

Now, this might be bad enough, but to prove to you that I’m not calling Mr. Edwards a doof without just cause, consider his recent comments about how Jesus would view the whole “two Americas” that we have. Here’s an excerpt of his interview with BeliefNet:

What parts of American life do you think would most outrage Jesus?

Our selfishness. Our resort to war when it’s not necessary. I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs. I think he would be appalled, actually.

You can read more here.

OK, so with all that background, rather than having me type in (more) sarcastic comments, I’m going to let cartoonist Sam Ryskind finish up.

Humor

He Owns the Cattle on a Thousand Hills…But That Doesn’t Mean It’s All Yours

by Tim Lien

Recently, a man was arrested for trying to cash a $50,000 dollar check and a $100,000 check signed by God. You can read about it here. Innocent until proven guilty, I say.

Humor

Reformation Polka

by Clay Staggs

Go here, click the link, and enjoy a good laugh.

Hat Tip to Herb Saunders.

Miscellaneous

On the Lighter Side

by Lowell Urban

Wow, my head hurts. After reading the posts written before me I am not sure I have much to contribute to the wisdom of the ages or these pages. I am a simple man and I do not often have motivation or energy to ponder theology, literature, politics, or Christian chaff. I do know that if you feed your Golden Retriever puppy too much he will vomit on to your newly cleaned carpet. (Perhaps I should borrow a “Christian” t-shirt to help me clean it up!) Still, I do believe it important to dialog about such things. Even so, my posts shall prove to be of a more personal nature.

Last night I was putting my youngest daughter to bed, and we were playing her favorite game. In this game, I walk into the room and pretend I do not see her hiding under the covers like she has done for countless nights before. I sit on her bed and bemoan the prospect of waiting for her to return so that I may kiss her goodnight. She lies perfectly still until I comment about the lump in her bed, and then I start to tickle her mercilessly. Eventually she manages to beg me to stop. By that time the damage is done. The day has ended with love and laughter. She always breathes the sweetest sigh when it’s all over.

My question is this. When is the last time you were tickled? When is the last time you tickled someone else? I believe laughter to be one of the greatest gifts God has given to us. So, why is it as adults we tend to lose our “tickleability?”

Now, I know about personal space and sexual harassment, and I realize there is a time for everything. For instance, if the music minister was feeling kind of impish and decided to give the Pastor’s ribs a poke during the Pastoral prayer, well…probably not a good idea. But there are other people and more appropriate places. What about your good friends? What about your parents? What about your spouse? Couldn’t you tickle them? I could be wrong, but I think a good tickle might just make their day.

Perhaps you are afraid of the verbal or physical response of the would be “ticklee.” I understand. On more than one occasion my oldest son has retaliated to my tickling with a very painful blow to my arm. So, if you can’t tickle anyone else or you are too afraid to try, I hereby grant to you personal permission to tickle my daughter Hannah. You’ll love it when she sighs!

Humor

Just for a Lark

by Tim Lien

Although not for the literal or the super-sensitive. LarkNews has a great monthly “newsletter” that exposes the terrible aspects of American Evangelical Christianity. I guess that’s why I love satire so much— in being so close to reality, the ludicrous and ridiculous come into stark relief. I have heard this from many pulpits, however: “Sarcasm has no place in the Christian’s world.” I had actually bought that line, until I attended Covenant Seminary. Much of the prophet’s writing in the OT is filled with sarcasm and irony. It must be used with sensitivity and circumspection— much like anything else….but it’s a great tool nonetheless.