Relationships
Why Nice Guys Finish Last
by Tim Lien
This one’s for all my single Christian brothers out there:
A few days ago I was talking to a pretty, twenty-something, Reformed, non-promiscuous, thoughtful, and highly intelligent female. And she started out by saying something to me that caught my attention. She said, “Nice Christian guys are always doing something very inappropriate to me.” Naturally, the hook was set. “Go on,” I mumbled.
She went on to describe how her friends (and she) preferred to go out with “bad boys,” instead of the doting, kind, respectful, thoughtful, and caring nice guys. Her desiring the “rebel” didn’t necessarily stem from wanting “excitement” or a “thrill.” She said it was simply that the alternative was almost impossible, because of the “inappropriate actions of many Christian males.” “Let me explain,” she said.
“It all comes down to an understanding of the Gospel,” she continued. “If they do not understand the Gospel, then they certainly don’t believe that I am depraved and capable of all matters of sin. Sure, it looks different from their sin, but it is sin nonetheless. And if they don’t believe that I am really a sinful creature, then this weird idealization of me starts to creep in. Emphasis on ‘creep.’ Sure, they can agree that I have flaws, but they refuse to see them, because they are too busy building an ivory tower for me. But it gets weirder, too; if they believe that I am an idealized person, then they think that they cannot show any of their flaws around this ‘perfect’ girl. So the Gospel gets destroyed for two people. And this is why my friends and I like the bad boy for a temporary alternative. At least he understands his imperfections, and they realize that I have mine, as well. We just want a bad boy who understands the other half of the Gospel, too. For us and for him. Yeah, I guess we want a Christian bad boy.”
Posted by Tim Lien at August 9, 2007 07:07 AM
I understand and can empathize with this young woman’s thought and position (probably because I have been a young female) but I she is treading in dangerous waters. Stay away from the “bad boys.” Yes, they know your weaknesses and that is exactly what they will use to get to you.
When I was young I never liked older women quoting the “unequally yoked” verse to me. But now I’M the older woman who reminds you that God put that inspired verse in the Bible for a reason—as a reminder to us that you cause yourself trouble when you yoke yourself with an unbeliever. Don’t even go there…a moment of temporary pleasure is not worth future regret.
To this young woman, Please rethink your position. This is difficult for me to say but I think you really might be desiring the “thrill” or “excitement.” I’ve been there—you get tired of waiting on the right man or you get bored with “good guys” and then you take matters into your own hands. Stand firm on the Gospel. Don’t compromise your standards. It is just not worth it!!! But also..Enjoy this time in your life!!! There will probably not be another time when you are free to get to know as many different young men as you can now. But be choosy and again, don’t forget that above all you are one of God’s chosen children. Slow down, take your time, trust God to put you in the right relationships. You are looking through the glass dimly right now. One day you will meet a man who will ask you to spend the rest of your life with him. Then all your character flaws (and his) will be apparent. I like something I heard Elisabeth Elliot say, “When you’re walking down the aisle, you see your prize package. Then next morning you wake up and see a SURPRISE package. May I suggest that you read “Lady in Waiting” (don’t know the author) or “Passion and Purity” by Elisabeth Elliot?
Great corrective, Maria. I think I puzzled my own wife with the way I put that.
My wife asked me if there was something “inappropriate that was happening in a physical way.” No, no, no— the “inappropriate action” that was occuring was the “idealization of her” by young immature Christian men. My wife had the same question. Excellent book recomendations, btw. Physical purity should always be encouraged.
Let me say that in NO WAY was this young lady suggesting that she a) sin or b) even “go out” with an unbeliever. She simply was saying that the Gospel informs every relationship, and she was “weirded out” by guys who were not open enough to admit she had faults AND, they too, had faults. I think she meant that the true Gospel understanding comes from someone willing to be transparent with their sin AND be willing to run to Christ for the hope found in him— thus her term: “Christian Bad Boy.”
Please understand that I didn’t think and wasn’t implying that this young lady wanted to intentionally sin. I just wanted to encourage her to really think about who she dates (which she obviouly has to a great extent) and just to enjoy this period of her life. She is obviously very intelligent and thoughtful as well as mature.
…and please don’t give up on those Christian guys!!!
I’m not going to give advice. I think that would be very assuming of me, since I’m 29 and single. But I will give a guy’s perspective. I’m picky. And when I meet a girl that I really “click” with, I know I’ve found something special. The last girl I dated who was special to me drove me wild with passion. She possessed so many wonderful qualities that I was looking for, that I was head over heels. And I showed it. There was nothing cool about my behavior toward her. I was a complete cheeseball, in fact. However, IT WAS NOT because I thought she was perfect, sinless, innocent, or any other such thing. On the contrary, it was because I was aware of my own sin, that I was able to look at hers, and truly, I believe, say, yeah, welcome to the club. I wasn’t in denial, or trying to gloss over what I didn’t want to see, I just knew this: the gospel had been at work in this young woman, and continued to work in her, and I saw it working. I could give you a list of sins I saw in her, or that she confessed to me, and in the end, even when I had no words of wisdom to give her, or her sin brought out my sin, or just disappointed me, I desired to move on in grace, as two sinners must do.
I sometimes wonder if this young woman, like you, doubted that I saw her for who she was, or that maybe I placed her on a pedestal. The simple fact of the matter is, when you find someone special, who is in that fight against the flesh, Satan and sin, there IS room to adore her. To treat her like a princess. To be a cheese. And I hope that someday I meet someone who will be able to receive that.